THE INDIAN
by Joel-Gomes
Summary: The follower to THE LIFE DOWNTOWN. Kramer discovers is a native american descendant and decides to change his way of life. Review at your will.


THE INDIAN

A Seinfeld fan fiction script 

by

Joel G. Gomes

Cell-phone number: 91 877 25 96

Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto

          2835-107 Baixa da Banheira

E-mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com

             gomes_joel@hotmail.com

September 2002

INT. AMY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT

DARKNESS. 

JERRY AND AMY ARE UNDER THE SHEETS. 

AMY MOANS AND SCREAMS.

AFTER A WHILE, IT STOPS.

JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON.

AMY

What's wrong?

JERRY

I'm sorry. I can't go on.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ARE HAVING BREAKFAST. 

KRAMER IS DISTURBLING QUIET.

GEORGE

How are things between you and Amy?

JERRY

Not very well, actually. She says I'm too fast.

GEORGE

Too fast for what?

JERRY

She says she doesn't have time to do anything.

GEORGE

What d'you mean "anything"?

JERRY

It's not my fault! By the time she's reaching the best part I've already left!

GEORGE

Oh! I see...

KRAMER

How long do you take?

JERRY

I don't know. The usual, I guess. I never used a chronometer to check the time.

GEORGE

Perhaps you should consider that.

JERRY

Yeah, perhaps.

KRAMER

What about her?

JERRY

I'm not sure. An hour maybe. I never saw anything actually. I can only go as far as thirty minutes. That's the best I can do.

GEORGE

So how do you know that she takes an hour to be pleased?

JERRY

It's just speculation. You see, she used to go out with Nick Frenz.

GEORGE

Nick Frenz. Hey! I remember him! We went to college with us, right? 

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

I haven't seen him in ears! How is he? How is he?

JERRY

He's an alcoholic now. He started drinking in order to reduce is timing but the time lapse was too big. But anyway, he said that his best time containing was forty-five minutes.

GEORGE

"Containing"?

JERRY

What's wrong with "containing"?

KRAMER

Maybe it's not her problem.

JERRY

What d'you mean?

KRAMER

I mean that maybe it is you who's too fast for her normal speed.

JERRY

But her normal speed is too slow for me!

KRAMER

You have to try and be slower than what she is and she has to be faster than what you are. Then and only then shall you two have a well-balanced and mutually sexual satisfactory relationship.

GEORGE

Where the hell did you come up with that?

KRAMER

It's part of my new philosophy of life.

JERRY

Is that your new theory?

KRAMER

No. You mean I haven't told you yet?

JERRY

Told what?

KRAMER

Yesterday I got a letter from the NANAD. 

JERRY AND GEORGE DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

KRAMER

You know! National Association of Native American Descendants!

JERRY

Oh!

GEORGE

Right! NANAD!

JERRY

And that is...?

KRAMER

Indians, Jerry! Indians! According to the letter my great great grandfather was Cheyenne. And now they want me to be a part of their group.

JERRY

To do what?

KRAMER

I don't know.

GEORGE

Maybe it's like one of those clubs you have to wear a special outfit to get in.

JERRY

Like that "hat-with-feathers".

GEORGE

I always wanted to wear one of those! (TO KRAMER) Are you allowed to wear one? 

KRAMER

I don't know yet.

JERRY

So, what're you planning on doing?

KRAMER

Well, for a start I bought an Indian pipe and I'm organizing a smoking session tonight.

JERRY

Again? Kramer, you remember what happened the last time you decided to do that? You wanna go through all that again?

KRAMER

Things will be different this time.

JERRY

And why is that?

KRAMER

I'll keep my windows open.

JERRY

The windows are not the problem. It's your teeth. They're gonna get all brown again.

KRAMER

I admit there's a slight chance of that happening. So I took some precautions.

GEORGE

Like what?

KRAMER

I bought ten boxes of whitener.

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

PETERMAN IS WATCHING A CATALOG. HE IS VERY FOCUSED.THERE'S A LIGHT KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

PETERMAN

(CONTINUES READING) Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

You wanted to see me, Mr. Peterman?

PETERMAN

(STILL READING) Close the door please, Elaine.

ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR.

PETERMAN PUTS THE CATALOG DOWN.

PETERMAN

Elaine, do you know what stagnation is? It's that nasty feeling that gives you the impression that your life has reached the bottom of monotony's river. It's what makes you feel that everything you do is always the same. Every-single-day-of-your-life. Stagnation is routine and I hate routine, Elaine. I hate it. It keeps us restrained. Doesn't allow us to develop. Expanding to new horizons!

ELAINE

Uh...

PETERMAN

(GRABS THE CATALOG) Elaine, I think this catalog is reaching stagnation at his worst and so are the people working on it. Like me, for example. I'm stagnating. I have to admit that to myself. But I want to change that course of events. I want new ideas for the next catalog, not old ideas with a new outfit. No. I want something fresh, original.

ELAINE

Like what?

PETERMAN

That's what I want you to find out.

ELAINE

Me?

PETERMAN

Yes. I know you can do it, Elaine. (OPENS THE CATALOG) See this? Now, can you tell me that you're not capable of doing something far more better than this? 

ELAINE

Well, actually it was me who did that.

PETERMAN

You understand me now? You mustn't allow yourself to stagnate. You can go now.

ELAINE TURNS TO THE DOOR.

PETERMAN

Besides, I know very well that your IQ is 145.

ELAINE STOPS AND TURNS BACK.

ELAINE

How do you know that?

PETERMAN

I saw it in your file.

ELAINE

Oh!

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

JERRY

How did he know about your IQ?

ELAINE

I don't know. He told me he saw it on my file.

JERRY

What file? 

ELAINE 

I don't know what file. I didn't even know I had a file!

JERRY

Well, I guess a big business man like him has to take his precautions.

ELAINE

And that allows him to check into my personal life?

JERRY

Who knows? Maybe he thought you were a spy from a rival company, y'know?

ELAINE

How could he possibly think that? We work together for so long!

JERRY

I know you longer than him and I still get surprised from time to time.

ELAINE

Wha-

KRAMER BURSTS IN.

KRAMER

Hey! Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE

Hi.

JERRY

Hello there, Great Chief.

KRAMER

Uh... listen. Do you have any matches? I can't find any in my apartment.

JERRY

I'd be surprised if you were able to find anything there.

KRAMER

Well?

JERRY

(GETS UP) I think so.

JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN. 

KRAMER TAKES JERRY'S SEAT AND GRABS THE REMOTE.

JERRY OPENS THE KITCHEN DRAWER AND TAKES OUT A BOX OF MATCHES.

JERRY

(THROWS THE MATCHES TO KRAMER) Here! Catch!

KRAMER CATCHES THE MATCHES.

KRAMER 

Thank you, pale face.

ELAINE

Why do you need the matches for, Kramer? You're not gonna play with them, are you?

KRAMER

No. They're for my initiation.

ELAINE

Initiation of what?

JERRY

He found out that his great great grandfather was Cheyenne. 

KRAMER

Yeah, I'm a member of NANAD.

ELAINE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE.

JERRY

(MOUTHS) Indians.

ELAINE

Oh! Right! NANAD... And this... NANAD only has Cheyenne?

KRAMER

No, there are also Cherokee and Sioux and... many others.

JERRY

How many people are there?

KRAMER

Four. If you include me.

ELAINE

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That's it!

JERRY

What?

ELAINE

This! This could be the idea for the catalog!

JERRY

Indians?

ELAINE

Why not? Peterman told me he wanted something fresh and original and this fits perfectly.

JERRY

But Indian lifestyle has been gone for more than a century. 

ELAINE

Indian lifestyle is one the basic roots of the contemporary American way of life.

JERRY

That's what I'm saying. It's deeply underground.

KRAMER

(TO ELAINE) You wanna come to my smoking session? 

ELAINE

I'll think about it. What time does it start?

KRAMER

Nine thirty.

ELAINE

Okay.

KRAMER

(GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR) I'll tell you what. If you come I'm gonna let you be my squaw.

KRAMER EXITS.

JERRY

You really want to go to his smoking session?

ELAINE

I have to. Otherwise, Peterman will fire me.

JERRY

So what? It wouldn't be the first time.

ELAINE

Just because it's something usual doesn't mean I have to like it.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. NIGHT

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING DINNER.

GEORGE

So... is Kramer really doing his smoking session tonight?

JERRY

Yeah. It should begin in approximately (CHECKS HIS WATCH) one hour.

GEORGE

You know, I still can't believe this. Who would have thought that Kramer is a direct descendant from one of the most ancient cultures in American history?

JERRY

I know I wouldn't.

ELAINE COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.

ELAINE

Hya there. (TO A WAITRESS) I'd like some coffee, please.

JERRY

You're going to Kramer's smoking session?

ELAINE

Uh uh. I just stopped by to get a cup of coffee. Kramer called me, y'know? Told me it's supposed to last all night long.

JERRY

You really believe that this is going to help you?

GEORGE

Help her with what?

ELAINE

With my catalog.

GEORGE

What catalog?

ELAINE

Mr. Peterman wants something fresh.

GEORGE

And you've chosen Indians? Indians are not fresh, they're relics.

JERRY

That's what I've told her. Listen Elaine, you're gonna be in a smoking session with four guys. Including Kramer. You'll start to smoke, then you'll make yourself comfortable. At a certain point you'll begin to see pink elephants. And even if somehow you're manage to keep your conscience and stop yourself from dancing, there's always a slight chance that you'll wake tomorrow morning with an enormous headache, turn your head and wonder "Who the hell is this guy?"

ELAINE

That's not gonna happen, okay? 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.

JERRY

We'll see about that.

GEORGE

I just realized something. I'm the only one not under Kramer's influence. 

JERRY

That should mean something.

GEORGE

Yeah, it should. (TO JERRY) By the way, how's your thing?

JERRY

I'm gonna try something tonight.

GEORGE

What're you gonna do?

JERRY

I'll try to reduce my timing. I need something strong to slow me down but not too strong that can put me to sleep.

ELAINE

You're talking about Amy?

GEORGE

You know her?

ELAINE

She used to work on Pendleton.

GEORGE

How come I don't remember her?

ELAINE

She was after your time.

GEORGE

I didn't stay there much time anyway.

JERRY

What're you doing tonight?

GEORGE

I don't know. Go to the movies. I heard there's a theater nearby replaying "ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE".

JERRY

Ah...! "ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE". A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

ELAINE FINISHES HER COFFEE AND GETS UP.

ELAINE

Well, I'm going!

JERRY

Elaine, are you really aware of the consequences?

ELAINE

Jerry, stop worrying! Nothing's gonna happen!

ELAINE WALKS AWAY.

JERRY

I hope not.

GEORGE

I don't think any good will come from that.

JERRY

Do you think I like vodka?

GEORGE

How the hell should I know if you like vodka?

JERRY

Well, you know me. Perhaps you could tell me what kind of effect it could have on me.

GEORGE

I guess it would have the same effect it has on everyone else. It either makes you drunk or puts you to sleep. You're gonna use it?

JERRY

Possibly. (CHECKS HIS WATCH) I guess I'll be going. (GETS UP)

GEORGE

Where?

JERRY

Home. I've got a bottle on my refrigerator.

GEORGE

You're gonna drink it now?

JERRY

I have to drink it before Amy arrives. Cause if she drinks it my plan of compensating timing will be blown away.

GEORGE

You're gonna leave me here?

JERRY

I thought you were going to see "ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE".

GEORGE

I am. But it's a quarter to nine. The movie only starts at ten o'clock. What am I gonna do in the meantime? Sit here?

JERRY

Why not? It's what you do all the time.

GEORGE 

I know. But it's different when you're alone.

JERRY

I'm sorry to disappoint you my friend, but I really have to be going.

GEORGE

Fine. Go ahead.

JERRY LEAVES THE COFFEE SHOP.

GEORGE STARTS TAPPING HIS FINGERS ON THE TABLE. AFTER A WHILE HE GETS TIRED AND STARTS TAPPING ON HIS PLATE WITH HIS FORK. THEN HE GRABS HIS KNIFE.

HE'S ALMOST GETTING IN THE MOOD WHEN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A PIECE OF BREAD COMES FLYING AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD.

MAN (O. S.)

Shut up!

GEORGE STOPS. HE LOOKS AROUND, CHECKS HIS WATCH. BEGINS TAPPING AGAIN WITH HIS FINGERS ON THE TABLE. STOPS. 

GEORGE GETS UP AND LEAVES.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. HALL. NIGHT

ELAINE KNOCKS ON KRAMER'S DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND KRAMER SHOWS UP. 

KRAMER

Hey! Come on in! You're just in time. We were about to begin.

ELAINE ENTERS AND SHE IS SHOCKED WITH WHAT SHE SEES. 

KRAMER'S APARTMENT HAS BEEN REARRANGED AND IT HAS A SMALL INDIAN TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM. 

KRAMER ENTERS THE TENT AND SIGNALS ELAINE TO FOLLOW HER. 

ELAINE DOES SO.

THERE ARE THREE MEN INSIDE, SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH THEIR LEGS CROSSED.

ALL THE INDIAN DESCENDANTS ARE WEARING SUITS AND TIES. EXCEPT FOR KRAMER WHO IS WEARING A CEREMONIAL OUTFIT, WITH THE "HAT-WITH-FEATHERS" INCLUDED.

KRAMER

Hey guys, this is Elaine. Elaine, (POINTS TO THE THREE MEN) There's Alex, Fred and Ben. Ben is a Mohican.

ELAINE

Hi...

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HOLDING A BOTTLE AND A GLASS. 

HE SLOWLY POURS SOME VODKA ON THE GLASS. 

HE LOOKS AT THE LIQUID. SMELLS IT. DOESN'T LIKE THE SMELL. 

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND WITHOUT BREATHING OUT HE DRINKS IT.

CUT TO:

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

THE PLACE IS NOW FULL OF SMOKE. 

ELAINE AND ALEX ARE OUTSIDE THE TENT. THEY'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH.

ALEX

So then I went to Economy. You know, I always tell this to people: economy can be a very funny world once you're in it. All the numbers and graphics and files and-

ELAINE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE TENT.

ALEX 

Where are you going?

ELAINE

(WITHOUT LOOKING BACK) I need a cigar...

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY POURS DOWN THE REST OF THE VODKA.

JERRY

Oh! Here it goes!

HE DRINKS IT. 

JERRY

Uh... This is really something! I've never felt so great in my life! Yyyyhaaaa!

THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. 

HE OPENS THE DOOR. THERE'S NO ONE THERE.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS AGAIN. JERRY PRESSES THE BUTTON.

JERRY

Hello?

AMY (V. O.)

It's Amy.

JERRY

Who?

AMY

Amy.

JERRY THINKS FOR A SECOND.

JERRY

Okay. Come on up.

JERRY WALKS BACK TO THE COUCH. HE GRABS THE EMPTY BOTTLE AND THE GLASS AND HE TAKES THEM TO THE KITCHEN.

HE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND PUTS THE BOTTLE AND GLASS THERE.

JERRY PRODUCES A PACK OF GUM FROM HIS POCKET AND PUTS A GUM ON HIS MOUTH.

HE RETURNS TO THE COUCH.

AMY ENTERS THE APARTMENT.

AMY

Hi.

JERRY

Hi.

THEY KISS.

AMY

How come you didn't remember me?

JERRY

Just kidding.

THEY KISS AGAIN.

AMY

Hmm! Strawberry!

CUT TO:

EXT. THEATER. NIGHT

GEORGE IS ON THE LINE WAITING TO BUY HIS TICKET.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN FRONT OF HIM.

FINALLY IT IS HIS TURN.

GEORGE

Hi. I'd like a ticket to "ROCHELLE ROCHELL", please.

TICKET SELLER

A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk?

GEORGE

Yes.

TICKET SELLER

Sorry. I just sold the last two tickets.

GEORGE

Oh...

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

AMY AND JERRY ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH.

AMY

I'll try to be faster this time, okay?

JERRY

Okay...

JERRY STARTS TO KISS HER NECK.

AMY

I mean, I realized that I have a problem and that is causing you a lot of trouble. But I'm willing to do my best to work this thing out. What d'you think?

NO ANSWER.

AMY

Jerry?

WE BEGIN TO HEAR A SNORING.

AMY

Jerry!

AMY TRIES TO WAKE HIM UP BUT IT'S NO USE. HE'S COMPLETELY KNOCKED OUT. 

AMY GETS UP AND LEAVES THE APARTMENT.

CUT TO:

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

ELAINE IS INSIDE THE TENT WITH KRAMER, ALEX, FRED AND BEN. 

THEY ARE SHARING A PIPE.

THEIR VOICES ARE DISTORTED. 

THE ONLY CLEAR SOUND THAT WE HEAR IS THE SOUND OF ELAINE'S LAUGHTER WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY WAKES UP. HE STRETCHES HIMSELF AND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.

JERRY

Oh! My head...!

SLOWLY, JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE BATHROOM.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.

JERRY

So, did you like the movie or what?

GEORGE

Ah... It's okay.

JERRY

You didn't see it, did you?

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

(TAKES A SIP OF HIS COFFEE) I thought so.

GEORGE

What about Amy? Did it work?

JERRY

Well, basically... yes.

GEORGE

What happened?

JERRY

I don't know exactly but I know my plan of compensating timing worked out perfectly. This time, I was slower than she was.

GEORGE

You mean, you fell asleep?

JERRY

Yes. Damn that vodka!

ELAINE ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP. 

SHE WALKS TO THEIR TABLE AND SITS. 

NO WORDS ARE SPOKEN.

JERRY DECIDES TO BREAK THE AWKWARD SILENCE.

JERRY

A-

ELAINE

Stop it! Just stop it! Don't you dare to say a word!

JERRY

I didn't say anything!

ELAINE

And you better not say it.

JERRY

What's the matter?

ELAINE

I went to Kramer's party last night. Everything was fine until I started to smoke. I don't know whata hell that was but it sure was strong!

GEORGE

Then what happened?

ELAINE

I don't remember. All I know is that this morning I woke up on Kramer's bed. (CONT.)

JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE LOOKS.

ELAINE

(CONT.) With Kramer lying there half-naked.

JERRY

You don't think...?

ELAINE

I don't remember! But if it happened, I prefer not to know.

GEORGE

Well... I have to say that you're predication was wrong in one thing, Jerry.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

She didn't have to wonder who was the guy next to her.

JERRY

That's true. (TO ELAINE) What did you do then?

ELAINE

Then, I took a shower, I got dressed and came here.

GEORGE

What about Kramer? Did he see you?

ELAINE

No. He was still sleeping when I left.

JERRY

Do you think he remembers?

ELAINE

I don't think so and I really prefer if things remain that way, okay?

JERRY

Fine.

GEORGE

No problem.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.

JERRY

What about your catalog? Any ideas?

ELAINE

I have until tomorrow to think of something.

KRAMER ENTERS. HE'S STILL DIZZY.

KRAMER

Hey...

ELAINE

Hello...

JERRY

Hey! So, how was it?

KRAMER

I think it was okay. I really can't remember that much. (TO ELAINE) How come you never showed up?

ELAINE 

You don't remember what happened last night?

KRAMER

No.

ELAINE

That's a shame.

KRAMER

Why is that a shame?

ELAINE

Er...

JERRY

What about your club? You're gonna move to a reserve or what?

KRAMER

Well... not exactly.

JERRY

What happened?

KRAMER

They kicked me out.

JERRY

Why?

KRAMER

We don't share the same ideals. These descendants... They're are too American.

JERRY

So are you.

ELAINE

Listen Kramer, is there any chance you can get some Indian tools or maybe some clothes?

KRAMER

Sure. What do you want?

ELAINE

Anything.

KRAMER

Okay. Come on.

ELAINE GETS UP.

KRAMER EXITS AND ELAINE FOLLOWS HIM. 

JERRY

(YELLS) Don't forget to wear protection this time!

ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

PETERMAN IS AT HIS DESK. THERE'S KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

PETERMAN 

Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND ELAINE COMES IN. SHE'S CARRYING A BOW, ARROWS, A "HAT-WITH-FEATHERS" AND ALL SORT OF INDIAN THINGS.

ELAINE

Here you go, Mr. Peterman. It's all I could think of.

PETERMAN

Elaine... (GETS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS HER) Elaine! 

ELAINE

You don't like it?

PETERMAN 

I love it! I always wanted to illustrate this catalog with something truly remarkable like this. Did I ever tell you that my late grandmother was an Indian?

ELAINE

Not that I remember.

PETERMAN

It's a wonderful story, Elaine. Have a seat.

ELAINE DOES SO. 

PETERMAN RETURNS TO HIS DESK AND STARTS TALKING.

PETERMAN

I never met my granny, Elaine. 

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS WATCHING TV.

KRAMER BURSTS IN AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN.

JERRY

Did Elaine find anything?

KRAMER

(OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES OUT A SNAPPLE) Yeah. She took a bow and arrows and all the other stuff.

JERRY

So you really don't remember what happened last night, do you?

KRAMER

(OPENS THE SNAPPLE AND DRINKS IT) Most of it, no.

JERRY

You're not faking this memory loss to cover up something, are you?

KRAMER

(PUTS THE EMPTY BOTTLE ON THE SINK) Oh! I never fake.

JERRY

Well, some people fake.

KRAMER WALKS OUT.

KRAMER

I never fake. And I know she didn't fake either.

KRAMER CLOSES THE DOOR.

JERRY IS LEFT ALONE WITH A STUNNED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

PETERMAN IS STILL TALKING.

ELAINE IS TRYING DESPERATELY NOT TO SLEEP.

PETERMAN

Those were tough times I tell you, Elaine. Tough times.

ELAINE

Uh uh.

THE END


End file.
